High Maintenance Consumer

A great way to sarcastically leave your unfiltered and uninvited feedback on a forum accessible to the entire world is to leave a bad review. In this example, I hate the pants I bought from Zara. I like everything else from Zara, but I needed them to know how I felt about these pants. I was going to leave a terrible recommendation, but honestly, it wasn’t necessary. At this point I felt like a good review would be more likely to attract managerial attention (‘what did we do right?’) so I gave the following review:

Hello. Recently in doing research for how to be the absolute worst I came across an article entitled 6 Tips For Dealing With High Maintenance Customers. I thought it would be prudent to get ahead of the managers now. Here are their 6 best weapons against us:

1. Practice Patience – Here the author teaches the managers patience, and trying maintain a positive and productive attitude in dealing with us. To counteract this, I suggest going in there with not even a single shred of patience left. If you have access to a daycare, this could be a perfect opportunity to visit your child. Remember, we want to be impatient, with a negative and useless attitude to truly be high maintenance and defeat their patience. Note: another effective strategy can be bringing the screaming child with you. That’s two people complaining!
2. Learn More Details About Complaints – Give them NOTHING. Don’t even hint at what you are yelling about, just yell until they give you what you want. If they want details they’ll have to pry them from our cold, dead, one-star Google reviews.
3. Find Your Limits – Pfft. Same. Find their limits. Easy. Can’t stop won’t stop.
4. Develop Your Pitch – Don’t listen to their pitches. Here I like to obviously fake a phone call from a competitor ‘oh you’ll do it for half of half price? Wild! Ok I’ll be right over as soon as I get rid of this jagoff.’ Then hang up (make sure the manager see’s the phone wasn’t even on) and immediately start complaining irately and indiscriminately.
5. Website Improvements? – Just belittle their website, even if you didn’t know they had one. Honestly even if they don’t have one. Tell them it looks like it was made by an infinite number of monkeys who only had access to one typewriter so everything took really long and was kind of shitty. JUST LIKE YOUR WEBSITE.
6. Are They Right? – Lol. Obv. If not, just lie.

Welcome to your best resource on how to be an even higher-maintenance consumer than I know you already are. The managers of the world won’t know what hit ’em. (Note: this can also a good time to physically hit them if required)